


Klaine Advent 2017 One Shots

by coffeegleek



Series: Empty Nest Verse [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cat/Human Hybrids, Homeless Blaine, Homeless Kurt, Hybrid Blaine, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Not your typical hybrid or kitty!Kurt fic, hybrid kurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-09 04:52:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12880560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeegleek/pseuds/coffeegleek
Summary: One shots written for the Klaine Advent 2017 challenge to fill in the Empty Nest verse. Some may be used within the chapters. For now, they're all going to be stand alones and reference a fun thing Kurt and Blaine do throughout the series - read, and sometimes act out, passages from a series of hybrid romance novels full of anatomically impossible sex. You don’t have to have read the Empty Nest to understand what’s going on though. But if you'd like to, check out a fun passage in the third scene of chapter 8 in Empty Nest here. It begins with the line, "Snow sex."





	1. Day 1: Attachment

Author's Notes: This is set after chapter 5 of Rebuilding the Next in my Empty Nest verse. You don’t have to have read the fics to understand what’s going on though. Trigger Warning for reference to past assaults.

They were on the way home from the emergency clinic, slowing down at a yellow light, when Kurt realized where they were. "Can you pull over, Burt? Not too close. I just want to see...if there's anything left?"

When the light turned green, Burt made a left into the rundown shopping center. As per Kurt's instructions, he parked his truck in the back of the closed McDonald's, close enough to the building to be hidden in the shadows, yet at an angle that allowed an unobstructed view of the abandoned K-Mart's loading bay. 

Kurt and Blaine, bundled in the back seat under a blanket that hid the multiple bandages and braces protecting their injuries, stared at it forlornly. Maybe others would find it weird, having an attachment to such a place, but for two homeless hybrids, it had been a haven.

They had called it "Blaine's place" since he was the one who had found it last summer and moved in, while Kurt had been sleeping under the Hummel's front porch until he had been invited to move inside the house. But they had shared so much there, so many firsts, so they thought of it as theirs. 

Kurt had taught Blaine how to build a better shelter from the old pallets, one with escape routes. They had kissed and washed each other in the employee bathroom. Being touched for the first time with consent, no judgments from either for the abuses they'd endured in their pasts. Kurt had told Blaine that his scars proved he was strong, a survivor who had come out of hell alive, and Blaine had told Kurt the same.

They'd shared New Year's Eve dinner there, stuffed beyond belief with shrimp...shrimp!...and lasagna and every hors d'oeuvre known to man and hybrid kind, and cheesecake. Carol had wanted to provide for "her boys" and provide she had.

They had sung showtunes in there and Katy Perry and Madonna. Poured over every last one of Kurt's old copies of Vogue. He had become an expert at finding them. 

Blaine gently nudged Kurt's good shoulder, his face distraught. "They're ruined. Why did they have to tear them up?" The high drama, sexually impossible hybrid romance novels they had spent hours reading and laughing over now lay in ruins on the slush covered ground. Pages whipped away by swirls of wind, landing in the leafless trees and snow filled yards of nearby houses. Kurt could swear he saw a ripped off cover on the ground, tainted by the blood from where they'd been left for dead, beaten up by a local gang who had decided that gay boys shouldn't be allowed to exist.

"At least they didn't get everything, Kurt." Blaine opened his coat, reveling his old Dalton blazer. The patch had been removed, as per his boyfriend's instructions, to help blend in on the streets. Yet he'd left the initials "K. E." sewn to fabric where it had once been covered by it. The hidden mark a defiant Kurt, former resident of the Lima Heights Hybrid Reformatory, had added to each garment he and his fellow juvie inmates were forced to sew for the fancy prep school boys. That is, until the Pure Race Nationalists burned it down. Money no longer meant anything when your entire sentient race was stripped of their rights by a bigoted ruler.

Kurt traced the letters with a bandaged hand and offered a small smile. "You still have me."

"I'll always have you."

Kurt pressed a soft kiss to his boyfriend's lips and leaned his head on his shoulder. "Can we go now, Burt?"

"Sure thing, Kiddo. We'll be home in no time."

Kurt and Blaine took one last look at the loading bay, its large metal door open and exposing the remnants of the life that had once been lived inside. Maybe it was odd becoming attached to such a place, but it had been their home.


	2. Day 2: Bucket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt and Blaine go in search of more books. Fun fluff.

Kurt and Blaine sat together pouring over a fan page they'd found with a complete list of the hybrid romance novels they loved. They knew they hadn't read them all. They just hadn't realized there were so many. Three other tabs - eBay, a used book store, and the new Ohio-based hybrid mail order company - were open, ready to be searched for any titles they found interesting. Blaine had already exhausted the local Goodwill where he'd found the first that started their obsession.

"How about 'A Bucket of Bustiers'?"

Kurt cringed at the idea. "Wouldn't that involve lots of boobs? Lauren is a great character, but I'd rather not have to read more about her ample bosoms than I have to, Blaine."

"You've told me yourself that fashion has no gender. The description says Lauren has Noah dress up in them."

"Sorry, not my thing. If it's yours though, I'd be willing to try."

"Not really. I was only offering if you wanted to."

"Pass. Any new threesome ones?"

Blaine scanned the page, smiling when he came across a promising one. "'Foursome on a Friday'. The cover has three men on it."

"Ooh, more dicks! Yes, let's get that one."

"Turgid manhoods and engorged turgidities, Kurt."

"Right, sorry. Bet the third guy has a stalwart member."

"We so need to find out. Go, use your masterful eBay skills!"

The couple was pleased it was so easy find and placed a bid immediately. The used book store had a copy too in case they didn't win auction. Anatomically impossible porn with outrageous plot was the best kind.


	3. Day 3: Collapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Leydhawk who asked if there was eBay in my verse and loved the hybrid romance novels Kurt and Blaine read. This happy fluff is for you. :) This one shot could honestly be set anywhere within the Empty Nest verse and references a fun thing Kurt and Blaine do throughout the series. You don’t have to have read the fics to understand what’s going on though. But if you'd like to, check out a fun passage in the third scene of chapter 8 in Empty Nest. It begins with the line, "Snow sex."

"Lady Lauren, with the Queen dead, I'm afraid the empire will collapse." 

"Fear not, my naive Noah. I shall keep my Queendom intact. The noble citizens will remain safe." The royal turned a fierce gaze upon the humbly dressed man, his rich chestnut, thinly cut locks blowing in an unseen breeze. With a lustful finger she plucked at the laces of his gauzy shirt till she had bared his lustrous chest, then turned her attentions to his form fitting pants, relieving them of their laces as well. "But first, I will ease your fear and your engorged turgidity. I shall ride you like the midnight stallions you tend to." 

The simple stablehand quivered as he felt the gorgeous woman's pressing hands of lust rub against his turgid manhood. "Oh, Lady Lauren, I would be honored. May I feast upon your glorious and ample bosoms as you gallop towards your ecstasy?" 

"Only if you lap at my pleasure nub as you do so." 

"With gusto, my luminous queen!" 

Lauren lifted up her elaborately embroidered skirts and plunged her womanly places upon Noah's stalwart member. He lapped at her coitus centers as she drove her body up and down. 

Noah moaned as he felt Lady Lauren's firm and sinuous tail pierce into his quivering hole. He loved being filled this way. His queen was the most skilled lover in all of the Queenhood. Not that he had known any other, for he had saved himself, even with knowing that a lowly peasant such as he never stood a chance. 

Blaine couldn't read out loud anymore, gasping for breath as he laughed as hard as his boyfriend. He was glad Burt and Carole weren't home. They knew about the hybrid romance novels he and Kurt loved, but they didn't *know* them. 

Kurt began to check off spaces on his BINGO board. "Okay, I've got 'turgid manhood,' 'engorgement,' 'hair blowing in an unseen breeze', and 'impossible sex act'. You?" 

Blaine looked at his own homemade board of the fun game they'd created multiple books ago. "'Engorgement', 'new phrase for 'erect penis', and 'amble bosoms'." He chuckled at Kurt's reaction to the latter. 

"Why does there always have to be ample bosoms? Why can't there be more engorged turgidities like in the threesome book? Engorged turgidity, by the way, is now my name for your dick since you insisted on taking turgid manhood for mine." 

"Deal." Blaine kissed his boyfriend soundly, rubbing his hand against the aforementioned turgid manhood, offering a promise of more. "I love you and your eBay shopping skills. 'A Queen to Rule His All' might just be my favorite book of the entire series." 

Kurt returned the passionate embrace. "I love you for introducing me to the works of Miss Perky...and for your engorged turgidity and pressing hands of lust." 

Again, the pair burst out laughing. Sex was amazing. Sex while reading anatomically impossible hybrid romance novels was even better.


	4. Day 4: Drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt and Blaine try to reenact a scene from one of the books.

"Let me drink in your pert, pink, pectoral mountain peaks, my stalwart lover! Let me lavish them as I ride your turgid manhood."

"Blaine, I am all for you lavishing my nipples while you ride my dick...I mean my turgid manhood, but you are not calling them pert, pink, pectoral mountain peaks."

"But...I thought we were going to reenact the non-impossible parts of that scene from 'The Hills Are Cuming Alive'?"

How his boyfriend could pout while moaning as his prostate...pleasure nub of ecstasy...was stroked repeatedly by the perfectly angled thrusting of his hips and engorged manhood filling his ass, Kurt didn't know. Yet he was managing it. "How about a compromise? I call yours that and we'll find something from another book to call mine?"

Blaine moaned again, pressing down upon his boyfriend, urging him to go faster in his thrusts and the stroking of his own engorged turgidity.

"I'll take that as a yes. Now please, lavish me with your tongue of talented agility."

"You're mixing up novels, Kurt."

"Do you really care?"

"No. Not at all."


	5. Day 5: Example

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt and Blaine thought they were alone in the house. Oh, how wrong they were.

Kurt and Blaine exited the Hummel's downstairs bathroom, fresh from their shower, and warm from the glow of everything they'd done in there and elsewhere. Only upon entering the living room did they realize they were no longer alone in the house. Burt was perched at the edge of his lounge chair, a number of objects spread out upon the coffee table that left them mortified.

"Burt! I thought you were going to be at the shop all day."

"I forgot some paperwork I'd brought home last night, Kurt. Can I talk to you boys for a moment?"

Feeling they had no choice, they sat down upon the couch, not daring to speak.

"We've had this talk before, Kurt. You boys are old enough to do...things, and I'm glad you're using protection. Just...can you not leave condom wrappers and the bottle of lubricant around? And do it in your room, not on the couch." Burt picked up the paperback book he'd found wedged between the cushions, the cover showing two hybrids, half undressed, and what clothing remained on them was being blown back by a breeze. He opened up the novel to the bookmarked page. "Now what you two do is your business, but if this is an example of what you're doing...if you're trying to recreate what this Noah and Lauren are doing here, I want you to be careful and respectful of each other. You both matter and I don't want to see either of you hurt again."

Kurt's eyes were wide with mortification and he turned to his boyfriend, who was opening and closing his mouth, no sound coming out. He had no choice but to reply for them. "We're not. We know it's impossible. It's just funny? And..." The rest came out in a rush. "We'll stick to my room. Sorry. Can we go now?"

"You can go after you clean the couch, Kurt. And promise me that we'll never have to have this talk again."

"I will! I promise!"

"Thank you. Do you want me to pick you up more supplies or are you still going through the stuff Doctor Jones gave you at the clinic?"

"You knew about that?"

Burt pointed to the coffee table and the condom wrappers.

"Right. Um..."

Only then did Blaine decide to speak. "That would be nice of you, Mister Hummel. Thank you."

"Blaine!"

"What? He asked."

Kurt hid his face in the corner of the couch, hoping the human couldn't also smell what was obvious to himself. "Kill me now."

Burt stood up and adjusted his cap. "Carole will be home from work by 4 o'clock. Try to have this cleaned up by then."

"We will."

"Bye, Kiddo." Burt grabbed his paperwork and left, glad this was over for all their sakes. They were good kids, great ones, and he was relieved they weren't doing the things he'd read in the book. Glad he no longer had to think about how they would have done them given that the couple wasn't two guys. Maybe Carole would know, but honestly, he really didn't want an answer. He just wanted his boys to be safe and his couch to longer smell like what they'd been doing on it.


	6. Day 6: Fraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt and Blaine venture into some legal briefings. Fun fluff.

"Your Honor, while I realize that I only possess a fraction of the knowledge that you do, I must object!" 

"Counselor, in my chambers, now!" Judge Zises locked the door to her office and pulled the lawyer to her by his cream-striped tie. "And I object to the fact that you have too many clothes on. Pound me with your gavel of love!"

"Pound me with your gavel of love? Really? That doesn't even make sense."

"The books aren't supposed to make sense, Kurt."

"She's the judge!"

"Come on, Kurt, please let's read some more. This was one of Miss Perky's first novels in the series. You need to cut her some slack. I promise you, it gets better."

Kurt crossed his arms and glared balefully at the worn book. "It'd better. I'm horny, Blaine! You promised me fun, hybrid romance novel sex!"

Blaine snuggled into his boyfriend's side, pressing a not-so chaste kiss to his mouth. "Bossy, just like Lauren. You know I like that."

"Read!"

Judge Lauren pressed her globes of justice against Lawyer Noah's face. She could feel him quivering with lust as he realized she was wearing nothing but her desire underneath them. With nimble fingers, she undressed him quickly, keeping his own at a distance, forcing his eyes to trace the languorous path she was making towards his legal briefs. When at last she had bared his prominent degree...

Blaine paused his oral recitations. "Prominent degree! New phrase for erect penis. Mark that on the BINGO cards."

"Shut up and read, Blaine. Finally, we're getting to the good part, even if she is way too heavy on the legal puns."

"Yes, Your Honor." Blaine returned to the text.

When at last she had bared his prominent degree, she stroked it to rigid fullness as her sinuous, silky tail slid up behind him and entered his jury box.

Kurt and Blaine couldn't help but to burst out in laughter. Tears of mirth rolled down their faces. 

"Please, Kurt, never call my asshole a 'jury box'."

"Only if you promise to never refer to it as such."

"Remember, that you were the one who wanted a copy of 'Jump Me for Justice'."

"How was I supposed to know it wouldn't have been as good as 'Legal Briefs'?"

Blaine sighed, becoming more disappointed in what was supposed to be a fun evening. "Do you want me to continue reading or is your gavel no longer rigid with the weight of justice?"

With a smirk, Kurt undid the fasteners of his pants, tugging them down just enough to put his prominent degree on tantalizing display. "Maybe you should stroke it with the skills of your judicial prowess and find out."

"Gladly, Your Honor!"


	7. Day 7: Genuine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adventures of Kurt and Blaine reading sexually impossible hybrid romance novels continue. This time with a Firefly-esque twist. Fun fluff.

The domineering captain loomed over her new hired hand. The deck of her ship hummed under her booted feet and she longed to make this specimen of manly muscle hum for her too. "You have proven yourself to be the genuine article - a hired gun, quick at the draw, willing to protect me and my crew for the right price. But I need more than a mercenary, Noah. I need a man who can service me in all sorts of companionly ways. The crew too if you don't mind exploring all the parts space has to offer."

The mercenary stopped rubbing his thick, steely weapon, placing the freshly oiled member upon the table. As he stood, he stroked the front of his tight, leather pants, desire in his eyes for his other gun to be stroked and lubed to perfect working order. "I came out to space for adventure, Captain. I would love to see all the parts of your bountiful ship. I reckon she runs strong, fast, and hot."

"And the rest of my crew? I've got me a mighty handsome bunch. My pilot and his husband are skilled at docking a ship, and my doctor, he knows how to make a body feel all sorts of wonderful."

Noah undid the snaps of his pants, baring his eager willingness for his Captain to see, flicking his thick tail between his legs, emphasizing just how talented he was with his guns. "My docking ports are open and my thrusters are ready."

The captain took Noah's throttle in hand, testing the strength and weight of it with her calloused fingers, calculating just how far into her well explored territories it could take her. She entered his loading bay with a quick thrust of her tail, pleased to discover that its doors were already open and waiting for a fuller load. She titled her head upwards to active the ship's computer. "Attention all hands. I aim to misbehave with our new crewmate. Any who wish to...come...help me in welcoming him may join us in my bunk."

Kurt and Blaine turned to each other, breathing rapidly, dicks hard and wanting. As one they began to remove their clothing, mouths, tongues, and hands touching everywhere. Neither knew who spoke. "This is going to be the best book ever!"


	8. Day 8: Health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adventures of Kurt and Blaine reading sexually impossible hybrid romance novels continue. This time they try to figure out "Foursome on Friday." Fun fluff.

"That can't be good for their health."

"How is that even possible?" Blaine turned the book around, hoping that reading the scene sideways and upside-down would make the answer reveal itself.

"I wish there was a diagram."

"Great idea, Kurt!" Blaine dragged over his knapsack and dug out a notebook and pen. He wrote, "Foursome on Friday" on a clean sheet of paper and then drew miniature stick figures of the three men and one woman involved, using a different colored pen for each.

Kurt gave his boyfriend a smirk. "Part of me wants to judge you. The other part thinks it's a great idea."

"You have anything better to do?"

"Nope. Let the diagramming of turgid manhoods, engorged turgidities, and stalwart members begin!"

"And Lauren's plunging womanly places." Blaine saw the hesitant look on his boyfriend's face and quickly added, "But only when necessary. This is supposed to be fun, sexy times for us, after-all."

Kurt kissed his boyfriend languidly, stroking his hand down his chest, letting his fingers linger on the front of his pants and enjoying the feel of them filling up. With a teasing smirk, he pulled away and turned back to the notebook. "Thank you. So, who first?"

Blaine unfastened his pants, exposing the fact that he wasn't wearing any underwear, and picked up the book, appearing to read without a care in the world. "I think Noah was here on the left, laying down face up and his engorged turgidity was being ridden by Brody, the guy with the turgid manhood."

Kurt continued their game, removing his shirt, nipples peaking at the chill in the air. "I thought Brody was riding Jessie's stalwart member?"

It took two more tries before Blaine could successfully read the passage again, "Let me ride you like a hybrid god..."

"Hybrid god? This woman really doesn't know our race, does she?" Kurt arched his back, the line of his cock straining the fabric of pants.

Blaine kept his eyes on the book, unbuttoning his shirt and letting it hang open so that it helped to frame the places he knew Kurt liked the best. "Do you really want to debate racist stereotypes or can we get back to the confusing sex orgy fun times?"

"Confusing sex orgy fun times!" Kurt wasn't sure who was going to win this battle. Removing his pants and underwear in one practiced movement was an excellent strategy though. 

"I thought so." Blaine kissed his boyfriend soundly, teasingly keeping their dicks apart, enjoying the rise it got out of both of them. He couldn't wait to ride Kurt's amazing turgid manhood. He picked the book back up. "Let me ride you like...Fill me up, you slicked up, rigid men of lust. My pleasure hole is quivering with anticipation."

Completely naked now and lying on his back, Kurt drew stick figure Jessie lying next to Noah and put Brody on top of both of them.

Blaine groaned. His boyfriend was trying to kill him. "Noah is sixty-nine'ing Jessie."

"Really? I thought Noah was blowing Brody." Kurt took a peak at the book, the hand not holding a pen stroking along his length.

Blaine loved it when Kurt won, but he wasn't going to lose the battle to him so quickly. He fondled the head of his cock, teasing the tip until it leaked a bit of pre-come. "At Lauren's urging, Noah wrapped his plush lips around Brody's turgid manhood, making both moan in manly ecstasy. Lauren rewarded him with a taste of her peeked, ample bosoms. Pleased when it caused the man to thrust his engorged turgidity faster between the raven-haired man's firm and wanting buttocks."

"See, I was right." Kurt retrieved the bottle of lube and a condom from the knapsack, casually placing them next to him. He flicked his tail, landing the tip near his boyfriend's hole. It wasn't capable of entering it, but the tease of the fur brushing against it was enough to make Blaine shudder. 

"Wait, I wasn't done." Blaine turned to the book again, even harder than he was before. "Jessie lifted his head, his talented mouth, twisting it's tongue to suck at the leaking lengths of Brody and Noah. The three men moaned in pleasure, praising the woman that had brought them together. Her lust was endless as was their stamina."

"Okay, that was just bad writing and impossible. Jessie would sprain something. Maybe multiple body parts."

Blaine watched as Kurt licked his fingers and played with his nipples. The guy played dirty and he loved it, no matter how fast he caved. "Want to forget about their body parts and focus on our own?"

"You have the best ideas ever. And also, I win." Kurt brushed the notebook, pens, and book aside. "Come here so I can stroke your engorged turgidity as you ride me like a god. Fictional Brody has nothing on you."

Blaine reached for the bottle of lube. "Trust me, we both win."


	9. Chapter 9: Inch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adventures of Kurt and Blaine reading sexually impossible hybrid romance novels continue. Unfortunately, things are not going well on the high seas. Fun fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: for brief, non-graphical mentions of injuries. Stand alone one-shot that can be read alone or within the upcoming chapter 7 of Rebuilding the Nest, part of the Empty Nest verse, which you don’t have to read to understand. Reading Day 1: Attachment would help though. :)

"Blaine, I can't even get it up an inch!" Kurt flumped his head against the stack of pillows with a sigh.

"Your dick is more than an inch long, Kurt." 

"It's broken! All those stupid exams, scans, and tests at the clinic? They broke me." 

Blaine kissed his boyfriend's mouth as gently as possible, careful of the injuries on both their faces. "It did take twenty minutes to get your shirts off because of your shoulder and the sling. Perhaps that made your flag not wave as high?"

Kurt returned the gesture and then looked down at his naked body with disappointment. "The amazing things you did to my neck and chest? Trust me, my nipples and libido are flying high. So why isn't my mast?"

"I could stroke you some more. Maybe extra lube would help?"

"If you rub my dick anymore, it'll be like last time. I am not going to be told I have abrasions down there again by someone that is not you or me."

"At least the chlamydia is gone."

"Which is why we're trying to have celebratory sex!" Kurt stared at Blaine's exposed dick with both lust and disappointment. It was a great dick. With a broken leg, Blaine hadn't been wearing much south of the equator, but it hadn't exactly been easy to undress him either. It hadn't seemed to matter though because it only took some light making out and few strokes until he was hard and moaning for more. "How come your mast is stiff as pirate Noah's wooden leg and I'm flapping in the breeze like a broken sail?"

"I could switch to the lines from 'Hybrids on the High Seas.' 'Shiver Me Timbers' is great, but the other one has that impossible orgy you like to make fun of."

Kurt loved his boyfriend. He knew just which rigging to pull. Or would that be sea ditties to sing? "Well, you do have the eye patch just like that version of Noah. It would be a shame to waste such an opportunity."

"I do." Blaine unbuttoned his shirt the rest of the way and shook it out, pretending that it was being blown by a breeze. There was always an invisible breeze in the novels. "You've got a mighty large ship, Captain. I'm sure you could use some extra hands to keep it running fast and hard."

Kurt took up his own lines. In their role play, the Lauren roll always became male and they changed the pronouns accordingly. "My crew runs fast and hard too. Can you handle all this wood?"

Blaine stroked his boyfriend, loving the weight and feel of the timber in his hand. "The more planking the better. I'm an expert at swabbing decks."

"How about oiling masts?"

"Masts are my specialty."

Kurt took Blaine's own firm pole in hand. His boyfriend was so fucking sexy like this. "You've got a mighty fine mast yourself."

"Thank you, Captain. It loves riding the high seas. I can see that yours does too."

"It does?" Kurt looked down, hopeful for a moment. Reality told him different. There was still no wind in his mainsail. "This isn't fair! I'm just as horny as you are, Blaine! I want you to be able to ride my ship and stroke my plank till the seas are frothy with our sexual pleasures."

Kurt's lament was interrupted by a sound near the front door and a female voice calling out, "Kurt, Blaine, I'm home! How are you boys doing?"

"Kurt can't get an erection. He thinks he's broken."

"Oh my god, Blaine! You can't ask her that!" With his good arm, Kurt hid his nude body under every sheet, comforter, and quilt within reach. Screw his boyfriend. He could find his own or leave his mast exposed for all he cared. And how was he still hard?! 

"Carole is a nurse, Kurt."

Why weren't his glares killing his boyfriend and fusing his mouth shut? "She's also my new mom. I am not going to ask her that!"

"I can be both to you, Kurt. Are you boys decent?"

"Does a blanket covering us count as decent?"

"Shut up, Blaine!"

Carole entered the living room where the couch had been turned into a bed so the boys could recuperate from their injuries easier. She tried to put on her best, "concerned and compassionate nurse" face and not the "laugh like a mom with horny teenagers caught in the act" one. "Kurt, you're still on muscle relaxants. That's why things don't appear to be working. Nothing is broken."

"But Blaine got hard." Why did he say that? Did the evil drugs make him say that? 

"He's not on them anymore. You two can do other things that don't involve genital stimulation."

Kurt had thought he'd already reached peaked mortification. He was wrong. "I do not need the sex talk."

"Then how about the 'it'll only be a few more days if you don't strain your shoulder again' talk? Burt's going to be home soon anyway, so why don't you boys get dressed. Unless you'd also like to have this discussion with your other new parent, Kurt?"

"God, no! Not again!"

"Good. I'm going to go change and then make dinner. How does sausage sound or is that not food pirates would eat on the high seas?"

All the color drained from Kurt's face. Muscle relaxants or not, he didn't think he'd be able to get an erection ever again.


	10. Day 12: Limited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one got away from me length-wise and isn't quite as funny as the others, but does have its moments. It's the first scene of the being-written chapter 9 of Rebuilding the Nest, part of the Empty Nest verse, which you don’t have to read to understand. All you need to know is that the boys are at home, the Hummels, recovering from injuries and they really miss having sex. I hope you enjoy it. :)

"Kurt, given our injuries, we're pretty limited in what we can do."

"It's 5 a.m., Burt and Carole are asleep, the muscle relaxants are out of my system, and after two weeks, I've finally got an erection again. One way or another, we're having sex."

"Sex would be nice. I've missed it too. And given that you don't have any pants on..."

Kurt grinned at his partial nudity and his boyfriend's reaction to it. "I swear, I woke up like this."

Blaine kissed his boyfriend soundly and trailed his fingers up and down his dick, enjoying the reaction his touch caused. "Sure you did. Help me get my pants off?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Together with one injury-free hand a piece, they worked Blaine's pants and underwear off.

Relieved to have his own erection free from confinement, Blaine inquired about the rest of their clothes. "Shirts?"

"Do you think we have time? Mine take forever to get off and I just really want to...get off."

"We'll take off mine and ruck up yours." With the hand not in a brace, Blaine tugged off his borrowed-from-Kurt OSU hoodie, pleased that he wasn't wearing another shirt underneath. "Condoms and lube?"

"Under the bed on my side. I'll get them. You're still okay with bottoming?"

"I am always okay with that as long as it's with you."

Kurt paused his attempts to reach under the fold out couch without putting weight on the shoulder and arm bound in a sling. "I thought maybe after what we had to go through at the clinic..."

Blaine leaned in close to Kurt and rubbed a soothing hand along his back. "It's just you and me here, no one else, nothing else."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

One last scrabble and Kurt was finally able to catch his fingers on the plastic bag. The clinic was a week of hell, but at least he got to go home with parting gifts. "Where and how do you want to do this?"

"Edge of the bed? Maybe the reclining chair?"

"Burt would kill us if we had sex in his favorite chair." Kurt shook the imagined reprimand off. The last thing he wanted to think about right now was getting another sex talk from his adopted dad.

"Kitchen? Kitchen chair?"

"Kitchen chair, in here. I'll drag it in. You start prepping yourself."

Blaine gave his boyfriend the most seductive grin he could. "I already did. You weren't the only one who woke up horny and hard."

"Best boyfriend ever! I'll be right back." Kurt winced every time he and the chair bumped into furniture and doorways, glad this parents were deep sleepers, yet also wishing he could turn on the lights.

After a lot of frantic fumbling and whispered discussion, they finally decided to put the chair at the foot of the bed, back facing it. 

"Are you going to need your crutches?"

"Wait, let's turn the chair sideways, that way I can scoot over from the bed and onto your lap and my broken leg is always supported."

Kurt stood up from his seated position and repositioned the chair. His shoulder and hamstring were going to hate him later, but right now, all he cared about was his dick and getting his boyfriend on it. "I'm ready."

"Oh, yes you are." Blaine loved Kurt's dick. He loved Kurt's mind and body and everything, but right now, his dick was the best feature. It took a bit of laughter-filled fumbling, but together they were able to unwrap a condom, roll it on, and coat it with lube. He shared a moan as he sank onto it and trailed kisses down his boyfriend's neck as a thank you. "I love this."

"Me too."

"Kurt? Who's going to move?"

Kurt didn't stop his hands as they roved along Blaine's chest, playing with his nipples and eliciting breathless gasps of pleasure. He loved every part of the man and not just the one surrounding his dick in tight heat. "I have one less injured leg. You have one. We'll push up and down together."

"You have the best plans."

All talking except for "I love you's," "faster," "slower," "oh, right there," and the thanking of gods ceased after that. Muscles were strained and injuries only partially healed were made worse, but they didn't care. Their releases came close together and on gasped, drawn-out moans. 

"Please tell me there's another condom within reach, Blaine, because I so want a repeat of this."

"No, Round Two! Your mom is late for work, Kurt, and I've got to get to the shop."

All the blood drained from Kurt's face and dick. "It's only 5 o'clock! You're supposed to be asleep."

"It's after six and neither of us could leave the house until you two were done doing what you were doing." Burt scrubbed at his face and head, dreading what he had to ask next. "Do you boys need help getting back on the bed and off the chair I'll be burning later?" He never thought he'd have to be grateful his recliner hadn't been used for such a thing.

"Just a minute, Sir. I'll see if I can get off of Kurt by myself."

"Shut up, Blaine!"

"It's not like he didn't know, Kurt, and what if we did get stuck like this? It's funny when it happens in movies, but real life would suck."

"Any time, boys."

After a long series of grunting and gasps, and no word on the boys' progress, Carole made her way down the steps. "Are you sure you don't need help, Blaine? Kurt?"

"Don't look!"

"My eyes are covered, Kurt, but I really do need to get to work."

Kurt scrambled to sit back on the bed, now that he'd helped Blaine get on it. To his horror, he discovered they were laying on the top of all of the blankets and there wasn't enough ease to cover themselves. 

"Your home health aid, Sam, is coming by at nine. I need to get you situated before we leave."

Kurt and Blaine grabbed at discarded bits of clothing and put them over as much of their laps as they could. It was Kurt who spoke, not trusting his boyfriend to not say something that would make their situation even more embarrassing. "We're covered...enough. You might as well give me the muscle relaxant because my shoulder is killing me and I'm too mortified to ever have sex again."

Burt came down the steps and headed for the kitchen to make coffee, not looking, but unable to resist getting in some teasing of his son. "Those are the words every parent longs to hear. Can you try to hold off until you're mobile enough to move into your upstairs bedroom or do it on the inflatable mattress on the back porch? Carole and I bought that kitchen set when she first moved in. We thought we'd be the only ones to christen it in such a way."

"Oh, my god!"

Carole turned her face to hide her laughter at the half lie. It was the table, not the chairs they'd had fun on. After a few minutes, she was able to contain her mirth and give hasty instructions to her boys. "Your medicines are dosed out in the little cups on your end tables. Breakfast is in the fridge. Sam doesn't have a key, Kurt, so you'll have to let him in. He's here to help, so try not to give him any trouble."

"I like Sam!"

"But you also like your independence. You and Blaine both need help whether you want to admit it or not. Now we have to run or I'll be in trouble and my pay will get docked. Instructions are on the coffee table. Call either of us if you have questions."

"Can we trust you, boys?"

"Yes, Mister Hummel."

Kurt sighed at his dad, more embarrassed than angry. "Yes."

"Good. Just, try to be dressed when Sam gets here, okay?" Burt let out another long sigh before pulling on his coat, grabbing his travel cup of coffee, and heading out with his wife. He loved his kids, he did. He just never thought he'd actually have to hear what went down in the tent of that movie.


	11. Day 15: Orgy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adventures of Kurt and Blaine reading sexually impossible hybrid romance novels continue. Once again, the boys turn to one of the their favorite themes - pirates on the high seas. Fun fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stand alone one-shot, part of the Empty Nest verse, which you don’t have to read to understand. Reading Day 1: Attachment would help though. :)

Lauren hung from the rafters of her cabin, her muscular arms flexing with ease for she was the strongest pirate captain in all the nine seas. Her firm legs were clad in the finest silk and leather pantaloons, split in the center so that her wantonly desires could be met at any time and any place. She lowered herself onto Noah's stalwart mast, loving the pleasure it provided her treasure chest and polished her ruby jewel as the ship rolled with her hips and the thrusts of her shipmate's fire-stoked engine.

Pirate Noah moaned from the hammock hung across his Captain's cabin. As he thrust into her powerful ship, he moaned as his storage hold was entered by the chisel-jawed cook. The man was skilled in the ways of meat and pleasing the carnal needs of the crew. His captain's pert, ample bosoms hung before him on tantalizing display, covered by a creamy, gauzy blouse, just the barest inch from spilling forth into his wanting lips. The tease drove him wild. 

The new deckhand was equally skilled, a swarthy pack of muscles and a hardwood plank that went on for leagues. Brody the Bawdy plunged his anchor into the Captain's fathomly depths, her waters frothing forth as the stormy waves that hurled the ship along. 

Captain Lauren was pleased at the skill of her crew and she rewarded them with the skill of her firm and sinuous tail. She stroked their rigid masts and entered their well-oiled holds, delighting in their wanton moans and praise. The rocking of the ship, the tossing of the waves, the howling of the winds as they blew her lustrous locks to and fro, forcing her bosoms to become as unfurled as the sails. Her womanly desires were as strong as the sea and as it tossed her men about, her pleasure was intensified, her treasured depths filled with more gold than she had felt in a lifetime.

'You have to stop reading."

"Horny?" Blaine tried to shift himself into a better position, but it was impossible to be subtle when he was this hard and clad only in a tight pair of sweatpants.

"No, concerned for these men and Lauren."

"Kurt, you have to stop over-analyzing the orgy scenes and just enjoy them."

"But there's too many dicks as far as I can tell and with the ship tossing like that, how is anyone getting entered at all? And the tail thing? Has the author never studied basic hybrid anatomy? We don't work that way."

Blaine closed the book and set it aside. He drew his boyfriend closer to him, pleased to see that his mast was raised and at least somewhat interested. "How about we just focus on our own planks? You can shiver my timbers with your rolling ship of desire or we can swab each others' deck."

Kurt kissed his boyfriend soundly and ran his hand along his hearty rigging. "I don't hate the books, you know. I just find them impossible."

"That's the fun in them." Blaine unfurled his boyfriend's sail and stroked it to greater fullness. "But I much prefer our fun."

"Me too. And I'm going to shiver your timbers like they've never been shivered before."

"Aye, aye, Captain."


	12. Day 16: Peform

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm cheating on this one because it's funny and I loved writing it. Not only did I use "performing" instead of "perform," it's an excerpt from chapter 6 of Rebuilding the Nest, part of the Empty Nest verse, which you don’t have to read to understand. All you need to know is that the boys are in the hospital being treated for injuries and they really like their medication. I hope you enjoy it. :)

\--------------

"Blaine, you're back!"

"Kurt, you came back to me!"

Kurt tried to reach out his hand across the space to his boyfriend's bed, but it didn't quiet reach. "I didn't leave. You did."

"I would never leave you. I love you." Blaine reached out his hand to make the connection. It took a few tries, but he did it. "Why did they take you away from me?"

Kurt was confused. He was also starting to fall out of his bed, so he let go of his boyfriend. "They didn't, Blaine. They took you away to fix something."

"But the nurse said that about you."

Kurt stared at his hands. They were covered in white bandages. He was pretty sure there were some on his face and head. He tugged at his blanket. One of his legs was wrapped up too. "Maybe it happened to both of us?" He stared intently at his boyfriend's head. "Are you a pirate now? They didn't fix your eye. It's still patchy."

Blaine willed his good eye to focus on what his boyfriend had exposed. "You have the best dick in the universe, Kurt! I love walking your plank."

"I love your plank too." Kurt stared at his bandaged leg and then back at Blaine. "Are your legs hurt too? Maybe you only have one and you're like pirate Noah!"

"Let me check!" Blaine pulled back his blanket and hospital gown, exposing everything that was below his waist. "No, I still have both legs, but I think this one is in a cast. Does that count?"

"I don't know." With a huge grin plastered on his face, Kurt pointed at his boyfriend's nether regions. "I can see your plank!"

Blaine was absolutely delighted at the revelation. "Deckhand, to the mainsail and oil up the mast!"

"You can shiver me timbers anytime, Big Boy!"

Together they burst into laughter. 

Burt leaned over and whispered to Carole, "Why do they always end up talking about...those things?"

"They're two hormonal teenage boys in love. And given their recent surgeries, their doctors upped their pain medication and put them on a second muscle relaxant. Let them enjoy their high before it wears off."

"But do we really have to see...that? If the kid was in his right mind, you know he'd hate being exposed like this."

"You're right." Carole left the room and quickly returned with a small bundle in her arms. "Hey, Kurt, Blaine, would you like another blanket? I bet you're a bit cold there."

"I love blankets!"

"Me, too!"

"Would you like to urinate first, Kurt?"

Kurt stared at Carole. He was pretty sure that was her name. "You're what?"

"Pee, Honey. Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

"Oh, okay." Kurt tried to shift his body to where he thought he was supposed to go.

"Let me help you."

"I can help him, Nurse Carole! I love his dick. It's so nice and big. Captain, permission to come on board and swab your deck?"

"Well, I do like the size of your sword and I could always use me another hearty mate. Swab away!"

Again, the boys burst into laughter, adding more pirate puns they'd read in those awesome books.

Carole didn't know how to respond to that except to urge Blaine not to move from his bed. She was about to draw the curtain closed between them when she heard the telltale sound of urination. As she suspected, her charge was missing his mark. She helped him to aim properly and then cleaned up the mess.

"Here, Kurt, let's get you all tucked back in. Look, I brought you extra blankets." Carole pulled Kurt's medical gown back over his privates and then tucked two blankets securely around him. With luck, they would hold until she and Burt were out of the room. 

"I love blankets!"

"I know, Honey."

"You're a really nice mom."

"Thank you, Kurt."

"Blaine's ship is leaking. I should go help him."

With a gentle press of her hands, Carole managed to keep Kurt from getting out of bed. She turned her attention to the other horny teenager in the room, grateful to see that Burt had already helped the boy with his own bladder needs and was getting him settled under the covers.

Burt disposed of his gloves and covered Blaine with another blanket. "So how long until happy hour is over?"

Carole looked at their charts. "Given the cocktail they're on, they'll be asleep soon. With any luck, they won't remember any of this happened in front of us."

"Could I have some of that?"

Carole laughed and kissed her husband's cheek. "At least they've turned to performing songs about pirates."

"Thank god for that."


	13. Day 18: Stir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adventures of Kurt and Blaine reading sexually impossible hybrid romance novels continue. This time, the boys venture into the world of baking smut. Happy fluff.

"Stir your spatula into my frothy, battered bowl. Whip it. Fold in my cream. Put your doughy baguette into my steamy bread box and when it's risen, bake it in the depths of my fiery, hot brick oven." Blaine put down the book. "Okay, Kurt, even I'm confused now. Is the spatula Noah's tongue, tail, or penis?" 

"All three or maybe just two of those? The baguette must be his dick and the bread box is either Lauren's breasts or her...internal area. The brick oven is probably her anal zone because it's deep. What's her frothy, battered bowl?" 

"I don't know. The cooking metaphors are all over the place. I thought her breasts were cherry topped, red velvet cupcakes. In the paragraph before, she wanted Noah to frost them with his buttercream." 

Kurt shuddered. "I was trying to wipe that from my memory. I don't know who the people are that reviewed 'Hot Cross Buns,' but it should not have gotten that many stars. We should have bought 'A Baker's Dozen' instead." 

"The bakers were all women. Noah was just there to watch. Too many boobs, remember?" 

"Right. Want me to take a turn reading? It's not like we have anything else to do right now." 

Blaine leaned closer to his boyfriend and kissed along his neck. "You could always cross my hot buns." 

Laughing, Kurt returned the affections with equal desire. "That doesn't make sense either, but I get your point. Let the baking begin!"


	14. Day 22 - Width

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt really likes Vicodin and misses sex. Happy fluff set in chapter 8 of Rebuilding the Nest. Can be read alone as a one-shot, though reading Klaine Advent Day 1: Attachment would help. :)

"I really like Vico...vi...vicod...my shoulder doesn't hurt anymore."

"I like hot dogs."

Kurt looked over at his boyfriend's plate. "It looks like a penis."

"Do you really think so? Yours has more width." Blaine looked down, trying to see Kurt's amazing dick, but sadly, it was covered by pants. 

"So does yours." Kurt picked up the too-thin meat and slid it back and forth between the folds of the bun it was nestled in. "Do you think this is what it looks like when you ride me?"

"I told you. You are much bigger than that hot dog. And you do not feel like that bun. You're so much better." Blaine tried to kiss his boyfriend's mouth but missed. 

"I miss sex. We need to have sex again, Blaine."

"We'll try when Burt and Carole are asleep. It would be weird if they could hear us."

Burt pushed his half eaten meal away from him and leaned over to his wife. "Can we make it a new rule of no hot dogs or sausages or other similar shaped foods until the boys are off those meds?"

"How about I get them settled into bed with their ice packs and you order us pizza for dinner?"

"Good idea. I knew there was a reason I married you."


End file.
